Friday, July 24, 2009

Helpless...I mean...Hopeless...err...Homeless

For the past week or so, on my drive home from work I've noticed a quarter on the side of the road at the Stevens Creek exit off I-280.
I first noticed it when I was stopped at the red light. I pondered jumping out to grab it while the light was red and frantically jumping back into my running vehicle, but was too chicken shit to take the risk of the BMW behind me honking and freaking out if the light turned green.
I really regretted this for a couple days. The next two passes I had a green light, but I did slow for the turn and confirmed it was still there.
Then, two days ago, I saw it again at a red light, but there was one of the 3 or 4 regulars with a sign asking for my loose change.
In all likelihood, one of the regular bums dropped this quarter or forgot to pick it up after hiding behind the sign while a driver threw coin after coin at them in some misplaced fit of rage.
I headed home.

I was all set to jump out of my car and snatch it up today when this happened:
The light was red (YES!)
I was the only one in that lane (SWEET!)
It was still there (SCORE!)
An obese woman with a sign did the penguin waddle into my field of view to the tune of..."wah wah waah"

The decision before me was to:
A) ignore it again, hoping it will last until next week and I can grab the overlooked treasure then
B) start throwing 24 or less pennies (to keep this a profitable venture) at the lady to distract her and grab the quarter
C) get out of the car and hope that the bum does not jump in and drive off in my ride while I'm bent over picking up a quarter
D) tell the lady, "there is a quarter on the ground"

While I'd like to draw this out and ask for votes...I went with D.

I rolled down the window and Danny DeVito's sister waddled excitedly over to my car thinking I was going to hand out some money...

"There's a quarter over by the sign there. I think you or one of your colleagues might have dropped it."
"Where? I don't see it...oh, thanks."

Green light.
I headed home, once again without found money.



Note:
(most of) the image is obviously courtesy of Lasik Plus.
The above actions and expressed views in no way reflect those of Lasik Plus, who are in fact responsible for the bum's botched surgery, prohibiting her from noticing the 25 cents on her own.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Briefless Mottos

I stumbled upon an Internet Anagram Server and wasted a few minutes of my life.
It's pretty fun.
Below are my favorites for a few of you...

Soid Quintero = Squid Toe Iron
Baby, when the Humboldt Squid washing up in San Diego start to get wrinkly tentacle tips, you can be there for them. We can solicit donations from PETA for your plane tickets!

Laura Bolter = Real Oat Blur
God sis, always making grains visually indiscernible!

Josh Heinze = Jeez...Shin...Oh!!
Broinlaw, always banging his leg on the coffee table.

Alex Simand = Dim Anal Sex
Watch out in poorly lit corners...Alex lurks.

Bryan Rogerson = Señor Barn Orgy
Bryan is always looking for a hay filled shack romp.

Dominique Osburn = Bunion Mod Squire
If you want your bunions customized, go see Domi...she's in training, but she's good.

Andrew Potopov = Ardent Poop Vow
Shit brothers unite!

Alright, that's enough for now. Don't get offended if I didn't do your name. I still love you.
Except you Alan, I did try your name, but apparently "Alan Qian" is all we can muster in this language...


In closing, since this is all about me...
I really like stepping on dead, dried up, crunchy leaves when they are on concrete. That is all.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Act your age...divided by 8

Have you ever fallen victim to someone telling you to do something so they can take a picture, but then they trick you and are really taking a video, but you keep doing that something for the picture thinking maybe it just hasn't focused yet?

This is what it looks like.

Southwest Airlines 737 VS. Cessna:


Thanks Brandi.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Come pear an apple to an orange



She's crafty.
My sister has started an online boutique: happiest things.
Since high school, she's been chartered by many for various creative tasks - from altering clothes, making pillows, creating a formal dress from scratch - to making quilts and blankets.
The above picture is of a blanket she made for me. The logo is inspired by my tattoo, a "lifespike" I call it. It derives from an audio signal and an EKG display. She gave it to me as a birthday gift several years back.

She is good. And now she will get paid for it. Maybe life is just.


Disclaimer
This post has no bearing on the title, or vice versa.
Sometimes when Ewe sit in traffic, a random paronomasia sends a smirk to your face.
Mite as well share it.

Think of it though...pelting an apple with pears until it finally rolls into an orange...so fruity.

Friday, July 10, 2009

...a term that was used by his friends - one of affection, one of respect...

I am lucky in friendship. The majority of my friends have had the title since kindergarten. Like me, most of my best friends went down to San Diego for college.
We grew up in shit-town-Stockton.
We deserved the time down there, and we made the best of it.
There exists some ridiculous feud between "Nor-Cal" and "So-Cal" and fortunately for me, the common awful human you collide with in San Diego and Stockton was side stepped because I had a strong base of brothers with me to begin with.
One such brother went to Italy to study painting, became awesome at it, met a gorgeous sweetheart to marry, and made a wonderful child.
Neither of us are religious, but I persuaded Matt, or...he persuaded me...to be Olivia Evening Taylor's "Godfather". Which, to us, really just meant I would be there for Olive and her parents in any way I could. Olivia just turned 3. She had a party at a park in Santa Cruz.

Olive and her mom:


Maybe a cliché but "I remember her barely crawling, now she's a running princess..."


It was a blast to be outdoors in Santa Cruz, visit with those whom I truly consider family, and sit back and smile at genuine, blissful youth.
Matt and Cheryl did a great job hosting the party.
Cheryl and her treasure map:


Matt, the Chicken Monster, RUN!!!


Olive got two cakes:


They even had a piñata - which was about to be broken by the kids, but I pushed everyone out of the way so that I could be the hero:


I am so selfish...


Listening to
Saul Williams - The Inevitable Rise and Liberation of Niggy Tardust...this is what hip hop wishes it could be.

Watching
Entourage
The Simpsons
The Usual Suspects
Pushing Tin

Playing
Fallout 3 - I beat it!
Metal Gear Solid 4
Crysis

Reading
Exile and the Kingdom - Albert Camus
(Awesome short stories)
This blog
Tape Op - The Creative Recording Magazine

Drinking
Too much. One should never lose control of emotional or motor functions.
Break time.