I know, the last couple of posts have been videos you could have found on your own.
I've been really busy lately though. This one I just had to share...
It seems we haven't yet legislated away natural selection completely...
It's nice to see other countries embracing the fruits of a varied species - encouraging the marching down paths that may or may not (definitely not) propel humanity into the next phase of hard-skulled-kept-regular existence.
Give it some time though. Now that America is no longer content with ignoring the rest of the planet, the next bill through the house won't be a solution to an actual problem (or rather, a retraction of the problem), but instead, a law declaring smashing fruit with your noggin punishable by...be(rry)heading?
HA! HA! ha...ech hem...right....
Host:
"I think you are a hero for doing this. Fantastic!"
Translation:
"You're a fucking idiot! Everyone...Clap for this fucking idiot!
Holy shit man! I can't believe you just incurred brain damage to get on TV - and you failed your personal goal!
You deserve to die out, and we will let you.
[Smiling] But not without first welcoming the entertainment you provide.
Thanks for coming on the show.
Also - Happy Birthday Steve!"
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
Josheeee
I like neat stuff. Don't ignore all of the heavy issues surrounding you (politics, economical woes, suppression of free will, pigeon poop patterns, etc.), but don't forget to take time to smile at the endeavors of clever humans.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Narcitastic
I've received several complaints about the low frequency of new posts...
and I LOVE it! It's like my ego now eagerly awaits a happy ending...
But enough of that. I am a fountain of bull shit, but not all bull shit is worthy of posting to the world wide web. So give me a break, give me a break, break me off a piece of that...apple sauce (wait through the probable ad, and the crank it up...I couldn't find a good one from your tube).
So...one idea came to me while pondering a certain company's plan to save the planet by removing cutlery from the break room. It inspired me to recycle. Seriously.
I generally shave in the morning, before I shower. I am a girly man with an electric razor. You have to lean over the sink so that it catches all of your freshly cut follicles.
My amazing girlfriend uses soap that has sand or something in it. This helps you to smooth out and exfoliate your dermis.
Now, we all know the great impact soap like this has on our reserves of endangered dirt and sand.
I have devised a solution. Sure, I am only one person, but we can all do our part.
First, instead of shaving with your PJ's on, take off your shirt and step on up.
Lean back instead of over the sink when you shave so that the hair falls into your chest nest.
Now, like you probably already do, use your thick, flowing chest hair to lather up with soap.
Once soft and foamy, your soap should engulf the lose face shrapnel until they are one.
Abracadabra! Your soap will now exfoliate your skin. The poetry in the process is you can get a nice smoothly exfoliated face using what came from your face.
If there is a better way to close the loop, my name is L Ron Hubbard...which it is not.
and I LOVE it! It's like my ego now eagerly awaits a happy ending...
But enough of that. I am a fountain of bull shit, but not all bull shit is worthy of posting to the world wide web. So give me a break, give me a break, break me off a piece of that...apple sauce (wait through the probable ad, and the crank it up...I couldn't find a good one from your tube).
So...one idea came to me while pondering a certain company's plan to save the planet by removing cutlery from the break room. It inspired me to recycle. Seriously.
I generally shave in the morning, before I shower. I am a girly man with an electric razor. You have to lean over the sink so that it catches all of your freshly cut follicles.
My amazing girlfriend uses soap that has sand or something in it. This helps you to smooth out and exfoliate your dermis.
Now, we all know the great impact soap like this has on our reserves of endangered dirt and sand.
I have devised a solution. Sure, I am only one person, but we can all do our part.
First, instead of shaving with your PJ's on, take off your shirt and step on up.
Lean back instead of over the sink when you shave so that the hair falls into your chest nest.
Now, like you probably already do, use your thick, flowing chest hair to lather up with soap.
Once soft and foamy, your soap should engulf the lose face shrapnel until they are one.
Abracadabra! Your soap will now exfoliate your skin. The poetry in the process is you can get a nice smoothly exfoliated face using what came from your face.
If there is a better way to close the loop, my name is L Ron Hubbard...which it is not.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Process
Recorded on Sunday. It's been a while. Whenever you go back to something like this, there is always a re-learning curve, which sucks.
You have to rewire everything: mics, instruments, speakers, midi devices...
You have to patch and reconfigure everything in the software: input/output buses, headphone routing, metronome output, levels, effects routing...
Then you have to troubleshoot for about 30 minutes of frustration because you can't get anything out of your keyboard because you have the midi channel set wrong on the hardware itself.
All of this is very effective at killing any bit of creativity you like to think you have.
But...if you press on, and try to leave as much as you can untouched for the next free Sunday, as well as take advantage of newer software templates and profiles that can be saved and recalled...you might have some time to record something.
I did. Three tracks. More process defining than an actual creative session...but I'm kind of digging the (umixed, unmastered) simplicity of the audio...it counters the complexity of the process.
fender to micro synth to boss dd-6 digital delay
microkorg
boss dr-670 drum machine
phuck farrell - I had this hat first.
Watching
The Assassination of Jesse James By The Coward Robert Ford
Futurama
Playing
Killzone 2
Drinking
One of Soid's berry ciders...ssshhh...
Listening to
NIN Ghosts I–IV
You have to rewire everything: mics, instruments, speakers, midi devices...
You have to patch and reconfigure everything in the software: input/output buses, headphone routing, metronome output, levels, effects routing...
Then you have to troubleshoot for about 30 minutes of frustration because you can't get anything out of your keyboard because you have the midi channel set wrong on the hardware itself.
All of this is very effective at killing any bit of creativity you like to think you have.
But...if you press on, and try to leave as much as you can untouched for the next free Sunday, as well as take advantage of newer software templates and profiles that can be saved and recalled...you might have some time to record something.
I did. Three tracks. More process defining than an actual creative session...but I'm kind of digging the (umixed, unmastered) simplicity of the audio...it counters the complexity of the process.
fender to micro synth to boss dd-6 digital delay
microkorg
boss dr-670 drum machine
phuck farrell - I had this hat first.
Watching
The Assassination of Jesse James By The Coward Robert Ford
Futurama
Playing
Killzone 2
Drinking
One of Soid's berry ciders...ssshhh...
Listening to
NIN Ghosts I–IV
Friday, July 24, 2009
Helpless...I mean...Hopeless...err...Homeless
For the past week or so, on my drive home from work I've noticed a quarter on the side of the road at the Stevens Creek exit off I-280.
I first noticed it when I was stopped at the red light. I pondered jumping out to grab it while the light was red and frantically jumping back into my running vehicle, but was too chicken shit to take the risk of the BMW behind me honking and freaking out if the light turned green.
I really regretted this for a couple days. The next two passes I had a green light, but I did slow for the turn and confirmed it was still there.
Then, two days ago, I saw it again at a red light, but there was one of the 3 or 4 regulars with a sign asking for my loose change.
In all likelihood, one of the regular bums dropped this quarter or forgot to pick it up after hiding behind the sign while a driver threw coin after coin at them in some misplaced fit of rage.
I headed home.
I was all set to jump out of my car and snatch it up today when this happened:
The light was red (YES!)
I was the only one in that lane (SWEET!)
It was still there (SCORE!)
An obese woman with a sign did the penguin waddle into my field of view to the tune of..."wah wah waah"
The decision before me was to:
A) ignore it again, hoping it will last until next week and I can grab the overlooked treasure then
B) start throwing 24 or less pennies (to keep this a profitable venture) at the lady to distract her and grab the quarter
C) get out of the car and hope that the bum does not jump in and drive off in my ride while I'm bent over picking up a quarter
D) tell the lady, "there is a quarter on the ground"
While I'd like to draw this out and ask for votes...I went with D.
I rolled down the window and Danny DeVito's sister waddled excitedly over to my car thinking I was going to hand out some money...
"There's a quarter over by the sign there. I think you or one of your colleagues might have dropped it."
"Where? I don't see it...oh, thanks."
Green light.
I headed home, once again without found money.
Note:
(most of) the image is obviously courtesy of Lasik Plus.
The above actions and expressed views in no way reflect those of Lasik Plus, who are in fact responsible for the bum's botched surgery, prohibiting her from noticing the 25 cents on her own.
I first noticed it when I was stopped at the red light. I pondered jumping out to grab it while the light was red and frantically jumping back into my running vehicle, but was too chicken shit to take the risk of the BMW behind me honking and freaking out if the light turned green.
I really regretted this for a couple days. The next two passes I had a green light, but I did slow for the turn and confirmed it was still there.
Then, two days ago, I saw it again at a red light, but there was one of the 3 or 4 regulars with a sign asking for my loose change.
In all likelihood, one of the regular bums dropped this quarter or forgot to pick it up after hiding behind the sign while a driver threw coin after coin at them in some misplaced fit of rage.
I headed home.
I was all set to jump out of my car and snatch it up today when this happened:
The light was red (YES!)
I was the only one in that lane (SWEET!)
It was still there (SCORE!)
An obese woman with a sign did the penguin waddle into my field of view to the tune of..."wah wah waah"
The decision before me was to:
A) ignore it again, hoping it will last until next week and I can grab the overlooked treasure then
B) start throwing 24 or less pennies (to keep this a profitable venture) at the lady to distract her and grab the quarter
C) get out of the car and hope that the bum does not jump in and drive off in my ride while I'm bent over picking up a quarter
D) tell the lady, "there is a quarter on the ground"
While I'd like to draw this out and ask for votes...I went with D.
I rolled down the window and Danny DeVito's sister waddled excitedly over to my car thinking I was going to hand out some money...
"There's a quarter over by the sign there. I think you or one of your colleagues might have dropped it."
"Where? I don't see it...oh, thanks."
Green light.
I headed home, once again without found money.
Note:
(most of) the image is obviously courtesy of Lasik Plus.
The above actions and expressed views in no way reflect those of Lasik Plus, who are in fact responsible for the bum's botched surgery, prohibiting her from noticing the 25 cents on her own.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Briefless Mottos
I stumbled upon an Internet Anagram Server and wasted a few minutes of my life.
It's pretty fun.
Below are my favorites for a few of you...
Soid Quintero = Squid Toe Iron
Baby, when the Humboldt Squid washing up in San Diego start to get wrinkly tentacle tips, you can be there for them. We can solicit donations from PETA for your plane tickets!
Laura Bolter = Real Oat Blur
God sis, always making grains visually indiscernible!
Josh Heinze = Jeez...Shin...Oh!!
Broinlaw, always banging his leg on the coffee table.
Alex Simand = Dim Anal Sex
Watch out in poorly lit corners...Alex lurks.
Bryan Rogerson = Señor Barn Orgy
Bryan is always looking for a hay filled shack romp.
Dominique Osburn = Bunion Mod Squire
If you want your bunions customized, go see Domi...she's in training, but she's good.
Andrew Potopov = Ardent Poop Vow
Shit brothers unite!
Alright, that's enough for now. Don't get offended if I didn't do your name. I still love you.
Except you Alan, I did try your name, but apparently "Alan Qian" is all we can muster in this language...
In closing, since this is all about me...
I really like stepping on dead, dried up, crunchy leaves when they are on concrete. That is all.
It's pretty fun.
Below are my favorites for a few of you...
Soid Quintero = Squid Toe Iron
Baby, when the Humboldt Squid washing up in San Diego start to get wrinkly tentacle tips, you can be there for them. We can solicit donations from PETA for your plane tickets!
Laura Bolter = Real Oat Blur
God sis, always making grains visually indiscernible!
Josh Heinze = Jeez...Shin...Oh!!
Broinlaw, always banging his leg on the coffee table.
Alex Simand = Dim Anal Sex
Watch out in poorly lit corners...Alex lurks.
Bryan Rogerson = Señor Barn Orgy
Bryan is always looking for a hay filled shack romp.
Dominique Osburn = Bunion Mod Squire
If you want your bunions customized, go see Domi...she's in training, but she's good.
Andrew Potopov = Ardent Poop Vow
Shit brothers unite!
Alright, that's enough for now. Don't get offended if I didn't do your name. I still love you.
Except you Alan, I did try your name, but apparently "Alan Qian" is all we can muster in this language...
In closing, since this is all about me...
I really like stepping on dead, dried up, crunchy leaves when they are on concrete. That is all.
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